The Money Pit

Budget Schmudget.....I've blown it, and we aren't even finished yet.  Crap!  The bad news was delivered to me this morning, before I had even finished my cup of coffee.  

My fiscally responsible, numbers guru, Certified Public Accountant, Excel lovin', and a living breathing calculator of a husband, took his glasses off, cocked is right eyebrow at me, and said, "you've gone over budget".   

Well I took a really, really long slow sip of my coffee, stalling for time and trying to think, think think, of some rational reason why THIS happened?  All I could come up with was this rather weak response. "Really?, hmmm, that can't be right, I've been so conscientious of my purchases."  Of course his response was, (after he then raised both eyebrows)  "apparently you haven't"  He then proceeds to produce a rather complicated excel spreadsheet itemizing ALL of my purchases.  I mean, WHO KEEPS UP WITH THAT STUFF!!!  I thought when he said XXXXX amount of dollars was my budget, that I had a RANGE to stay in.... not spend LESS than XXXXX  amount of dollars.  Oh brother....  I mean, when I tell you he produces an itemized excel spreadsheet, I mean down to the last little oil rubbed bronze nail has he kept track of.  I have pulled NOTHING over on him, NOTHING!!!!  Crap, Crap Crap!  

There was a weak, I'm sorry, then a reminder that we had a yummy lunch meeting coming up at noon, so I'd better go and get ready.... hoping with all hope that he would just forget this conversation ever happened, and I could divert his attention for the next, ummm month or so???  

I don't know, I have no explanation for going over budget, except that I like pretty things?  I have great taste?  Poor guy, he just wanted a toilet that didn't need to be plunged if you so much as dropped one sheet of TP in it, and a shower that wasn't moldy. He is getting SO much more and it WILL be pretty, but I am going to be dead, so I won't get to enjoy my lovely soaking tub, or pivoting mirrors....CRAP! 

p.s.  so now you know why I haven't blogged for 2 weeks, I've been VERY busy spending EVERY LAST DIME of money we have....on a place to S**t, Shower and Shave.   

So Much to Remember, So Little Head

Dannyism's..... They make me smile everyday!  My husband is a man of few words.  (Understatement of the century) He's sorta like that old commercial, "When E.F. Hutton speaks... (long pause) PEOPLE LISTEN"   If my husband is sitting in a meeting, or just reviewing oh say my most recent Target receipts, : (   and he takes his glasses off before he starts to speak.....well, you just KNOW it's going to be important and you had better stop, look and listen!!  He's a little intimidating, unless you are me.   I ain't scert of him!

So, he's prone to just tossing out random quips that can send me into deep belly laughs, run to the potty real fast, kind of laughter.  The best part is, when he isn't trying to be funny, he is the funniest.   A lot of times he throws these quips out when we are in the middle of a heated discussion, and just when I'm about to go all Matlock on him and win my case.... he says something funny... and well, crap... I just lose it.   Because we all know I'm a fire cracker and a bulldog and will stand my ground if I believe I'm right, he knows that all he has to do is toss out a Dannyism, and case dismissed.  I LOSE!!!!  By the way, the last time I won a debate with Danny was...NEVER!

So true story, this past week, picture if you will a typical night in my home.  Usually we are sitting side by side either in the Living Room or at the kitchen counter, working.. Okay, he works, I facebook and if he glances my way I quickly open up my email so it appears as though I'm working.  WHAT??? Don't judge!!! I'm a great multitasker!  Besides, I do my best work between 11:30 and 1:30 with my customers...at lunch people at lunch!!!    
      So back to my story, we are reviewing some important documents and having a heated discussion, I'm sure my eye's are glazed over because he's talking about capital gains, or depreciation or something beyond my realm of thinking.  Anyhow...he just looks at me and says, "So much to remember, so little head."   Well of course I fall on the floor with laughter, this important conversation just became very funny, to me.  He just looks at me like I'm nuts as I'm laughing uncontrollably.  I have a hard time being serious anyhow...

Another fun day this past week, we are eating lunch with a client, who also happens to be a great friend.  Client and I are sharing a plate of raw oysters and I tell him to go ahead and finish off the last two.  He says, " why? don't you want anymore?"  Me, being ME, says,  "no, better not,  they (the oysters), make me really frisky and Danny just can't handle it"  Danny says, without missing a beat... "oh don't worry babe..I can hire a subcontractor to do the job"   MY HEAD WENT REELING AROUND BECAUSE,               A) he trumped my bold one-liner and   B) WHO SAYS THAT?????????????

"You can't fight a bulldog with a wet noodle".. Just the other night, when I was losing yet another perfectly winnable argument... he tosses out that little Dannyism.  DRAT!!!  How the heck can I get all passionate about my point of view when someone says something like to me???

"Nakedness calms every situation"....   ummmm ok...well alllrighty then.  He didn't really say that, but I heard it on TV and thought it was a perfect fit for this blog...whatever, I have full literary freedom with my blog!  And IT's TRUE!!!!  If you are naked you cannot be angry!  Well... except for this one time, when I was skinny dipping and "someone"  took off with my clothes... I was MAD!!! Really really mad!!  Then I was frantic... and felt so, well umm  naked and grasping for tiny oak leaves to cover large areas of nakedness.
I"m pretty sure that's when the often said phrase, DAMMIT DANNY...evolved.  He hears that AT least once a day, it just sounds so good together, I think he looks for ways to cause me to say that..because then HE bursts out in laughter!

 WOW.. I have REALLY veered off course with my originally planned blog.  Oh well....literary freedom!

"Don't invite crazy to your own party"....  Done! oops... tends to happen a lot to me!
"You can't get something from someone, if they don't have it to give".   Definitely  words of wisdom., not really funny, but see...he IS so wise!

"I'm going to go and walk the dog, while you repair your broken relationship"...(referring to me blogging about someone, then having to edit out my commentary after I thought they might have read it and well, it could have been perceived as hurtful although I didn't intend that).....anyway...He tosses out this little golden nugget and closes the door behind him and I sit there slack jawed for at least 4 minutes before leaping into action.

"All painters are flawed, it's my job to find their fatal flaw and deal with it"...  Jeez Louise...does he examine everyone this way? Including me?  I'm definitely doing a lot of self examinations!   : )
 By the way, in case you don't know, we own a painting contractors business called CertaPro Painters. 


He likes to do that a lot you know.  By "that" I mean, he walks through a room, spits out a diddy...and walks out of the room while I'm left to catch fly's with my mouth hanging wide open.  Then I get all flustered and start pondering things for weeks on end...and he has literally forgotten what he said 2 minutes after he says it!  MEN!!!!! It's what they DO!!!   They are like atomic bombs...we women are left dazed and confused.  Although, I think they think that we are like NUCLEAR bombs...leaving death and destruction in our paths and they have NO idea what the hell just happened.  I guess we are sorta like that.  And we definitely do NOT forget a single thing they say to us!!! Ever... Ever....EVER!!!

    I might have gotten a little off point....excuse the random babble.

  So these are just a few of daily quips I hear out of my honey's mouth!
     This man that makes me laugh, let's me win a few debates now and then, and doesn't get mad at me when I spend too much at Target.  This man loves me despite all of my fatal flaws!  This is the guy that is always there for the people he surrounds himself with.  I love this guy with all my heart.  My kids and my Danny are my greatest blessings in life.

With his banker doing what
he does best

A Plumbers Tail....

<<<   General Contractor's face is right in PLUMBER'S CRACK... this is a PG blog...so I didn't put the zoomed in photo up!

ewwwww

Like my friend says.... You can't make this stuff up...NO sir ree!!! 

Really? Really?

 May 8th and  I'm on the verge of a breakdown.  You can see from the photo's below that there doesn't seem to have been a lot of headway made in the past week or 10 days. 
May 9th:  Someone is going to die today....
May 14th:   I had to take a little blogging breather, in order to regroup. I haven't been able to regroup so  I've just decided to let go and let God... and until this project from hell is completed and I can reclaim my home, I just need to learn to deal.  So I will blog. 

Back to May 8th.... So good 'ole boy Mr. Plumber/Electrician/Jack of all trades but master of none! ... a subcontractor of my General Contractor, comes beeboppin' into my home with just a little too much of a happy face goin' on...bright red nose, 5 day old growth on the face, pudgy belly on a skinny frame. Sorry for the run on sentences, I'm typing really fast and can't seem to spew it out fast enough....my English teacher and father are cursing me right now!  I knew in an instant this dude had a little drinky drinky problem.  I sorta let it go, trusting my GC to monitor the work that was being done.  OMG WHAT WAS I THINKING?????  GC had left for awhile, I guess doing what GC's do....juggle jobs. 

He (drunky)  spent the first day hooking up ONE light, and taking nips from a bottle in his truck while making multiple treks to his truck to retrieve the tools he needed to hook up ONE light.  I think he was on the job for a total of 5 hours.  I'm sure he was just exhausted because we all know 2 for Tuesdays can tear you up!  Luckily for him it was Wednesday and we all know he had Wet your Whistle Wednesday on his radar!  So... on day 2 he shows up at 10:30 a.m., gets out of his truck, wearing the SAME clothes as the previous day, scratches his belly and rubs his 6 day old facial hair and prepares to TEAR DOWN AN ENTIRE WALL....to run some non-existent plumbing for a bathtub that doesn't have plumbing coming from the wall.  I had to walk out, take a deep breath and walk back in and ask him to please, set down your big hammer.  He came close enough to me that  I think I got a little drunky myself from the bender he had been on.   It was at that point that I knew I had to get this dude out of my home, but I had to be clever so as not to risk possible jail time, because trust me, he was so drunk from 2 for Tuesday, and Wet Your Whistle Wednesday, I could have easily taken him down...and I would have!  I sent him to Home Depot telling him I had to have white switches, and wanted them RIGHT NOW!  Dude's head was pounding from his bender, I'm screeching, another contractor was shifting from foot to foot watching this train wreck and my DOG is going crazy!  It was at this point that I seriously considered asking drunk plumber for a sip. 

So if you read my face book post on Thursday... I didn't feel like having water come spraying out of my toilet, a la bidet... or have to kneel down to wash my hair in my shower... or have my bathtub mysteriously start flushing on me.... all the while being electrocuted.  I kindly asked my GC to get his butt back on MY job and check everything that had been done the day before.... and to make sure Mr. Happy didn't come back to my house.  
Welp.... as luck would have it. Mr. Happy DID come back to my house to bring back the GC's credit cards (does it get any better than this?)  and he know's not to even think about coming inside my home through the front door, so he crawls through the bathroom window... hahhahahahha!!!!!!!  YOU cannot MAKE THIS STUFF UP!!!!!  

BEFORE

AFTER!!!  

My Garage...hell hole

New Vanity....note the shoe box on  top
of other boxes....I broke down and went shoe
shopping, because that makes everything
better!!!!

So we had to wait for a new plumber, to come back out on MONDAY....drunk plumber cost me 4 days!  Awesome! Super Awesome!!!  So....a lot of people have been asking for those progress shots and well, it doesn't appear as though much has been made, GC keeps assuring me that a lot of it is hidden progress.  Double Awesome!  Also....as a footnote....These guys must eat a LOT of fiber!   The paint is now peeling off my walls in my guest bath.  I just open the door every few days, toss in new roll of TP and quickly shut the door.  I cannot even bear to cross the threshold. 
 I want one of those auto spray down defumigator, destinkafier thingy's like they have in Europe!  

What I would give.....

Mother's Day with my 2 and 5 year old and MY BIG TEXAS 80's HAIR! 

If I could just have one more day to spend holding each of my children in my arms....as babies, not the full on adult sized...cause that would just be weird.  

As I go up and down my stairs a million times a day, I gaze at my photographs, and close my eyes (well after I've made it to the top or bottom, so as not to wind up in a wheelchair)  and try to remember that sweet little baby smell that those little bundles of cuteness possess.  The way they nestled themselves into the warmth of my arms.  The way they would come crawl into bed with me to snuggle and feel comforted.  Their soft skin, their sweet little eyes looking at me with so much trust, their tiny little hands and feet that I could NEVER stop kissing and loving on....ohh such precious memories forever embedded in my memories.   I would give anything to experience that feeling again.

There is nothing stronger than a mothers love....I am so blessed to have two children that love me and all of my crazy and aren't shy about letting me know that they love me, but they are also quite adept at acknowledging my full on cray- cray.  I'm comfortable with my crazy...really I am. 

I get random text messages from each of them, just telling me that they love me....of course, this is because I've had to threaten them within an inch of their life for not answering their phones the morning after, when I know good and well they've been out partying!!!!  Mothers know EVERYTHING!! WE HAVE SPY'S!                           

I've also received random messages that cause me much anxiety... Permit me to reveal the two most recent such antics from my precious darlings.....

My kids know I'm a freak...so they love to ummm, well, add to my freakiness.....and by "FREAK" I'm not referring to the Rick James version, "She's a Super Freak"...I mean like a Circus Freak.

 Just this past Sunday...to my son via text messaging: 

"hi honey...just checking to make sure you made it home safely last night?  love you!"
 LONGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGest wait ever for a response!! At least 5 minutes of sheer agony waiting, and this is what I get back! 
  "nope, I'm in JAIL!"   Eyes rolling in the back of my head, breaking out in full blown perspiration, heart pounding and about to puke everywhere.  When I realize....hey wait a minute.... they can't have cell phones in JAIL!   Little Stinker.... I can just see him snickering from his unmade bed strewn with laundry from a month ago....

Or this one: to/from my beautiful daughter:  On Saturday morning:
"hey baby girl, just touching base with you...did you have fun last night?"
"Yep, just now getting in"
 IT'S 9:00 in the morning!!!!!!! PEOPLE,  I cannot deal with this!!!!!!
                                                                                                                                            Now..granted, my kids are 28 and 25 years old...they shouldn't need to check in with me the morning after....but they know their mama will be all knotted up until I hear from them.   

So my mother's day wish is for a few Xanax's and some Botox... that should see me through the next ohhhh say, 40 years of panic and take care of those lines that embedded in my face...next to my great memories of my babies!!!  Happy Mother's Day everyone....make it count!!! 

THIS IS WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT PEOPLE!!!
Text from my Son!!!  Notice my response with
auto-correct.... he's a Rick Star!! : ) 

MY DAUGHTER KNOWS HOW TO  
SUMMARIZE MY FEELINGS, PERFECTLY

Fifty Shades of Grey!

I KNEW that title would catch some of you!!!   This isn't going to be a blog about weird stuff going on behind closed doors....NOOOO  this is a blog about one of my most favorite people ever!!!  My HAIRDRESSER!!!!..oops I mean Hair STYLIST!!!  

He has magic hands...he can take this pile of hair and turn it into a work of art, which lasts exactly one day! I mean I walk out his door feeling like Connie Briton...(People Magazines Most Beautiful People, her HAIR won her that title)   "Me and My Hair want to thank you very much for selecting us for this honor"  Except her hair looks good forever, mine lasts one day.  Because I'm a failure at fixing it....ohhhh if I could just bring him home with me!!!!! 

My guy has been my hairdresser for about 17 years.....there were a few years that we lost touch, but we found each other again and it was like long lost lovers running into each others arms... except he's gay and I'm married so we definitely aren't lovers, but I do love him! and I tell him all of the time that if I wasn't married and he wasn't gay, we would definitely be a perfect couple!  Ladies...he massages my HEAD!!! and he can wield a blow dryer like no other.....

My guy has seen me through some pretty dark days...(I"m not talking about just my hair color)  He has listened while I've poured out my heart to him.  What is it about sitting in a chair, with enough  tin foil to pick up radio waves from Bora Bora,  that enables women to talk about things that are usually reserved for girlfriends only, or a therapist.  Who needs to spend all of that hard earned money on a therapist????   Ladies, I'm here to tell you that if you have a good hairdresser, there is no need to pay a therapist!  

No matter what is going on in his life or how booked up his schedule is, when I sit down in that chair, he makes me feel like the next few hours I am the most important person ever.  I mean let's be honest, I have enough hair that requires enough work. to keep him in his designer clothes to wear to his Cher or Kristen Chenowith concerts.  
 anyhow.....He is always in a good mood, no matter what is going on in his drama Queen life...oops did I just say that? 
  
When I come in, feeling all frumpy and dumpy, he takes one look at me and like my nanny used to say.... "honey, what's the matter, come here and sit down and let's make you all better"  only he's all gay and Southern and says something like, Gurl, get up in ma big chair-a,  I'ma goin' make you gorgeogeous!!"   And then he let's out the biggest howling laugh you have ever heard!!   He makes me grin from ear to ear the entire time I'm with him!   It's so worth spending my retirement money for a few hours with this guy.... he even gives my hair a little tug at the end of our therapy session, which leads me to believe he and I HAVE been reading the same books...
Laters.....

me and my hair exactly one day before it turns disastrous again....sigh...if  only I could  have a live in stylist.

These boots were made for walkin'

My Mom....hey, it's the week of Mothers Day here, please allow me a moment  to share with you some stories of my life and my mom.  It might help you to understand what kind of stock I come from, and why I'm so kooky.  

NOT MY MOM!

I'm not gonna lie, I had a really strange childhood.  I'm pretty sure it's not normal to spend an abnormally large amount of time, perched on a bar stool, at the tender ages of oh say.... 6 - 13 years,  challenging tourist to cherry stem knot tying contest and the prize being a Shirley Temple, insert dramatic pause 'cause I knew I was gonna win!  But hey....it was life on the island of St. Croix.   
     
 It wasn't nearly as inappropriate as it seems.  While my parents enjoyed happy hours, I was lucky enough to hang out in the little town of Christiansted where I  would stay lost for hours running in and out of the small shops and along the waterfront.                                                                                       Hustling tourist, and bugging the locals, my best friends and I would set up sea shell "kiosk" and sell sea shells.  (you try saying that with a mouth full of cherries!)  We'd earn enough cash to buy an ice cream or comic book and be perfectly satisfied with ourselves. 

But I've jumped ahead of myself.  Allow me to tell you MY recollection of how we came to live in St. Croix, what life was like for me, and how I remember mama! : )                                                
My dad was a  retired Air Force pilot. He was a devilishly handsome man. My mom was a teacher, artist, actress, dancer, musician.  I guess they just got a wild hair one day and decided to move to St. Croix.  It's not the real story, but I'm not sure I know the real story....                       So they left one kid in college in Texas, packed up two teenagers and one tiny tot (me) and moved to the islands. Weird, right?  WHO DOES THAT????  Brave to say the least!
     
 I happened to be the last kid of my family, and I was definitely a "whoops" child.  My siblings were practically grown ups by the time I came along.  So I tagged along with my parents everywhere... this included all of the little bars and restaurants that dotted the island. These great little joints were located on golf courses, beaches, docks, or in "town".  

This was pure paradise for a little kid.  

           

As I was thinking about this particular blog, these images kept popping up in my head....

 My mom.....she was quite the looker!  She would sport around in her Dune Buggy, or her yellow Mustang with the top down and music blaring with the latest hits.  She'd wear her white go-go boots and mini skirts to show off her great legs. She exuded this incredible amount of energy and  pure confidence!  Oh, she wasn't famous, but she was pure Hollywood and to me she was a star!!!  She had more talent in her pinky than most of us ever imagine.  (none of which I inherited and I'm still a little bitter about!)    She could tear a dance floor up and make men weak in the knees.  My dad was a lucky guy!  Life with her was never boring and slightly scary.  Scary in a good way.  I guess????   Maybe that's the part I DID inherit.  Like my dad, Danny never really knows the crazy things I'm going to say or do.  
        
Let's get back to those boots....
In retrospect, I've often wondered why she wore these boots when the temperature was HOT and the humidity was WET.....Who wear's White GO GO boots in the Virgin Islands????  My mom!!!   It was like she was Nancy Sinatra herself!  As a matter of fact, I'm pretty certain, she mortified either my dad or my older sister by singing and dancing to Nancy Sinatra's sultry song (These Boots Were Made For Walkin')  in public, .making an ENTRANCE with the boots!   ....My mom was fearless....she was fantastic!!!   She had a BIG personality...
          Life wasn't just about running around "town".  My mom was the Girl Scout leader, Cheerleader Coach, Art teacher, Theater teacher, and assisted with swim team, volleyball, and any other sport or activity I was involved in. She got herself a job, teaching at the best private school on the island so I could go there and she could make sure I stayed out of trouble.

 In 3rd grade. when Robert Shiro (pure white trailer trash, complete with wife beater shirts and a burr haircut) broke my heart and decided my best friend was prettier...she was there to dry my tears and remind me that there were other fish in the sea.  I'm sure she said thank you to Dear Lord baby Jesus for intervening in that budding romance!

She would stay up all hours, meticulously creating fantastically fantastic costumes for me to wear to Halloween costume contests.  She took me to Disney World the FIRST year it opened.   My birthday's and Christmases and Easters were spectacular!  She taught me to bake and pretended to love every burned pie, cake or cookie I produced.  She was determined to give me what she perceived to be the perfect childhood because she knew the influences from hanging with adults probably wasn't the best situation for me, so she found ways to compensate.  She knew what she was doing! 

I mentioned in my last blog that she passed away when I was just 13 years old.  She died from stomach cancer.  I like to think that she lived life large and in charge and tried to cram as much in as she could because somehow she knew her life would be cut short at the age of 48 or 47 or was she 49?  depends on which of my sisters you ask....apparently we don't really know how old she was.   She was magic pure magic!!!!!!!  
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

Always Wear Clean Underwear!

Let's just get the big white elephant out of the room....I LOVE Firemen!!! There! I said it!!!! Now I can proceed.

It's a week before Mother's Day, and well, the week leading up to this joyous occasion usually causes me to be a complete teary eyed mess.  I lost my mom when I was just the tender age of 13 and while it's been a long time, the pain lies just below the surface and can rear it's ugly crying face with just the glimpse of a photo or a fleeting thought.  Yesterday, I happen to be cleaning, when I glanced up at my refrigerator and looked at a picture of my babies.  It made me miss my mom and all of the times that I've needed her and how I wished she would have seen me grow up and get married and have two beautiful children and watch them grow up and well on and on.....I'd give anything to have my mom here.  I see so many people take their parents for granted.  : (

Now I know I started this off with a picture of a fire truck...you must be wondering, where in the hell is she going with this?

Back to my mom....of course...stay with me, I have a point to make!   

My mom always told me to "make sure you wear clean underwear and keep your toenails polished."   I think she told me that when I was about 10, and it stuck!  She said, "Kimberly, you just never know when a fireman is going to have to rescue you or you are going to be in an accident and the ambulance drivers will see you."    Okay, FIRST of all... how did she even know that I was going to grow up and be obsessed with FIREMEN?????  MOM's KNOW everything!  Secondly, WHY would a fireman or Ambulance driver be concerned with my toe nail polish and whether or not I have clean underwear on?  I'm just sayin', if I'm in an accident that requires firemen or an ambulance, chances are my underwear is gonna be a little messed up! i

So..to wrap up this sad little story....Love your Mama's....wear clean underwear and keep your toes nicely painted, unless you are a guy, cause that looks weird.  

Baywatch: Scene 1

I had to go into full blown Baywatch mode to rescue my dog.  That's right, had you been spying on me, you might have seen me dashing from my back door about 20 feet to my pool to pull my drowning puppy out.  Okay, let's be honest, I definitely don't own a red bathing suit with the leg holes cut all of the way up to my armpits, because let's be honest, I'm not exactly Baywatch worthy.  But I did have my jeans and a red t-shirt on...practically the same thing.  But I digress...
 So my puppy (9 months old and 60 lbs of pure fluffiness) has been really stressed out with all of the commotion going on around the house...what with the contractors streaming in and out, delivery people coming and going and us moving upstairs and vacating our bedroom and all of the contents of our room and bath strewn about the house... it's enough to drive a pup to do crazy things.  
 Our pool cover just came off about a week ago, Lola regularly goes out and chases rabbits and squirrels but has pretty much ignored the pool. Welp, apparently she decided it would be a lovely day for a dippy doo.  I can just hear her now..... (dog speak)  "hmmm  that big green pond looks like something fun to romp in"  "I think I'll just jump in and cool off a bit, maybe retrieve the dead baby possum, squirrel (oops too soon to use the word Possum). that may or may not be floating around in there".   Soooo, I was inside working (looking at HOUZZ website, don't judge!)  and I thought, to myself, "self, Lola has been out long enough to dig up my herb garden, better go bring her inside.  Low and behold, I open the door and see my PUPPY clinging to the side of deep end of the pool and panting very hard!!  It didn't all fully register...I grabbed for my phone to take a picture! I'm a horrible mother!!! I thought to my self " self, that damn dog has discovered the pond, and now I can never let her out on her own again."  And THEN it registered....SHE IS CLINGING TO THE SIDE OF THE POOL.....SHE GOING TO DROWN!!!"  DANNY IS GOING TO KILL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I'M A HORRIBLE MOTHER!!!   I mean, she doesn't know what stairs are...of course she wouldn't know how to get out of the pool.  So I had to pull my now 200lb sopping wet, drowning and very scared puppy out....OH my Lord how long has she been in here!!!!???? She's going to look like Pamela Anderson  what with all of the chlorine (shock) that is in the cess pool.  So, to add insult to injury, I had to humiliate her a little more by making her jump up on a lounge chair for all of the neighbors see her nakedness and getting decontaminated.  On a side note:  I finally found my phone, it had somehow found it's way down my RED t-shirt and stuck to my less than flat belly.   So, while I may not be Baywatch bathing suit worthy, I can damn sure save a life, for realz!  I would have given her mouth to muzzle resuscitation if it was necessary.  I love my doggy! 

There's a Potty in the House Tonight!

Does this really need an explanation?

I'm in remodel hell....I feel like I am eating pieces of drywall dust all day, I have men traipsing in and out of my home all day tracking dust and dirt everywhere.  The constant pounding of the hammer and sawing of the saws is about to send me over the edge.  My dog needs a Xanax because her nerves are shot.  To top it all off, I feel so responsible for the outcome of this project.  I was too naive    cheap to hire a designer, thinking this was just a simple job and I could handle it myself.  Nay...if there is one thing I've learned, it's let the professionals be the professionals.  The truth is, my hubby thought I was talented enough to design this project.  He has much more faith in me than I deserve.  This is a big deal...this is a lot of $$$$ and something we have to look at every single day from our throne a.k.a potty.  I have anguished over every detail until my eyeballs were bleeding.  I can pretty much tell you everything there is to know about toilets, faucets, bathtubs, tile, vents, electrical and on and on....I thought I had this whole thing locked up and was ready to just sit back and watch my bathroom come to life.

Then last night, at about 10:30 p.m.  my husband snuggles up next to me and starts grilling me..."what's the trajectory of the new shower panel?"  (my deer in headlights look was enough to let him know I clearly didn't know)  "Did you plan on the tile going all the way up to the ceiling, because you know our walls aren't straight?"  (my deer in headlights look was enough to let him know I clearly didn't know)  Why did you only get a 70 cfm vent when we probably need a 110 cfm (because the 70 was prettier???  duh!!!)  and on and on he droned until I shifted in bed, sat straight up and said, "LOOK...I ASKED YOU 2 MONTHS AGO TO HELP ME DESIGN THIS AND HELP ME SELECT EVERYTHING TO GO IN THIS SPACE AND YOU ARE GRILLING ME THE NIGHT BEFORE THEY START TO REBUILD THIS ROOM"   that's right my voice was in all caps and I might have started hyperventilating.....my hubby just cracked a big grin and said...just messing with you!!  I trust you...it's all good.  I could have clocked him right then and there!!!!! Snuggle time OVER!!!! 

Baby What Day is It?

As the rooster crowed this morning, garbage truck rolled down the street, at Zero Dark Thirty, my beloved turned me and said, "baby what day is it?"  I said, "Thursday, the day the new bath tub is delivered"  he made a grunting sound and then I remembered,  "OH,  AND we have Italian class tonight!"  Then he let out a full blown moaning sound....I knew it was gonna be a good day!!!  
You see, I have a friend, FiddleDeeDee, that writes about her homeschooling experience, and her brilliant daughter takes a Classical Conversation Class,  (Latin)  I thought what the heck, if a kid can learn LATIN, surely my hubby and I could benefit from an Italian For Fun class, in preparation for our upcoming visit.  Well, our brains are old, I have a Spanish or French accent on every word I pronounce in Italian, hubby has a Kentucky, Tennessee, country twang to every word he pronounces, and I feel like my eyes are crossed in the room we are in,  so I  have a hard time looking at her (instructors) face! Just saying!  We are doomed!
Also, we haven't been very diligent with our homework....well, except I found out that hubby has been secretly listening to the audio CD, and learning new words that he springs on me at the most inappropriate times!  Like at dinner, in a noisy restaurant, he whispers "Lampada",  I get all giggly and just know he is about to put his famous moves on me...because I thought he said "ya wanna" and raised his eyebrows up and down a few times....NOPE.... he was telling me that he knew the word for LAMP!! LAMP???? REALLY???   
So, I plan on slipping that CD into my vehicle today, and I'm gonna bust out a few words on him, when HE least expects it....in my very best Spanish, French, Texan, Tennessee, Virgin Islander accent!                   Ciao for now my friends! 

Oh Look a New Blogger!

So after some encouragement from friends and family, I've decided to enter into the already cluttered blog-O-sphere.  What the heck....I tend to post long musings and observations on facebook...might as well try and trim that up a little bit and give my "friends" a break.  This way, if anyone really gives a flip, they can follow my blog.
So...if you know me at all, you know I tend to find myself in really funny or crazy situations.  I like to talk or write about these things, because I think they are so funny.  Weird stuff really does happen to me all of the time.  I like to think it's because I just happen to notice the weird stuff happening, but I actually think I"m a magnet for weirdness.  It's like my niece once said to me..."I'm,( meaning my niece), am a magnet for Fat Boys"  We were in a bar, so I thought she said "Frat Boys", not so much....right about the time I was contemplating how she knew that a guy was in a fraternity, along comes a really BIG boy, and asks her to dance....of course she said "yes" as she looked back at me and winked.  See what I mean, normal everyday stuff, that I like to tuck away for a future giggle!
Follow my crazy musings...it's usually a fun ride!